I know this baby only in utero. Her mom’s tum grows bigger by the day. Angela is my son’s life partner – they have been together for 10 years. Their lifestyle has to date been, well…urban with a dose of mountain, simple, musical, light and very free. Children were not part of the formula. Life had other ideas, and most recently Dan our son, has proudly become the owner of a Chicco Quatro ( which is not a four wheel drive car). In fact, he has no car, his wheels are at the bottom of roller blades. His baby though, needs a quarto 4 wheel drive, souped up buggy (here they call them prams) with a temperature sensor , knobs and whistles we are still reading the manual about, and did I mention…sits in our living room with SV panache. ( their’s is too tiny – his musical equipment takes up all the free space in their flat…mmm)

Angela is at Groote Schuur Hospital. She has been in hospital for the past 3 weeks and will continue with enforced bed rest until the birth. Hers is a high-risk pregnancy, she has placenta previa, which means the placenta is down under the cervix instead of being at the side of her uterus. If this ruptures ( it is very fragile), it puts the baby at risk. How to describe Angela at Groote Schuur? In few words? OK I’ll try…serene, grateful for smoothies and edible food (government hospital budget), uncomplaining at cold showers, cellphone rings at all hours in her ward with other women. She seems to be the only white woman in the maternity ward of this hospital – we definitely stand out when we visit. The place is clean, seems well run and the medical care is excellent. She has no medical aid which is why she is in the government hospital – to pay for a private care would have broken our bank and she insisted otherwise. She has recently graduated as a doctor of Chinese Medicine and this whole experience had intrigued her no end.

My insight for today: Things take time to gestate.  “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens” This season for me as grandmother, requires deep preparation and reflection.  How to welcome this angel into my being?  How to hold the process safe?  How to nourish them at many levels? How to ask God for help? (oops, got the message)

A footnote as to what happened while i sat at my desk waxing profound…the chicken sausages burned on the braai!  life has it’s own sense of humor.
More after our hospital visit today, sans the BarBQ sausages of course…

I who lived through 30 Canadian Channu-ristmases, am nostalgic for the frenetic crush of lights, bows and bobbles, gifts so lavish the wallet was left toothless. The pace here is, well…Cape-like, which means, heavy on the manyana, light on the anxiety. How can one worry about anything date-determined, when the sea is crashing, the moon is swimming, the days are endless? When the kayaks are out in full force, the sails are up, the yachts are sailing by. Did someone say this was 4 days to Christmas? Is this really the first day of Chanukah? Heck, I better put in some extra wine and fill the freezer. I’ll take the chocs to the hairdresser and bank manager and wrap the simple things for the kids. Mostly though, I’ll take a deep breath of the spirit of this season of friendship and giving. I’ll even tolerate the off-key trumpet- player practicing on the promenade at 6am ( by 9am I am saying mantras to help). After all this is Our city one and all – we are all in a festive mood together.

Today is the Summer Solstice. This means a long, languid day to sink all my thoughts into, of those I love near and far, Jewish, Muslim, Christian and Buddhist (a brief description of my family). To open myself into this open-hearted season in a fuller way than ever before. Where does world peace begin? Is the question I ask my ancestors – the ones with all the experience and wisdom. I get the sense they are pointing a finger at my nose. It begins with me, plain and simple. The message of Christmas or Channukah or Solstice means tolerance and understanding. It means forgiveness of others and the one to whose nose the finger points. It means stretching my arms to encompass more than I ever thought I could – of the good, the bad and the ugly. It means appreciating each stage of the journey and not focusing so hard on the supposed destination, whose goalposts keep moving out of reach. It means trust in that idiom I love to quote: The truth is true and all is well, unconquerable love prevails.

Thank you for reading this tossed-off scriblet. It sends me singing to know that somewhere, out there in the infinite internet, that my words reach ears. They come from this Solstice place in me which longs to reach out and hug my world and how amazing it is, that we live in a world where this is possible.
Enjoy the longest or the shortest – because come what may, take a deep breath and say… it’s solstice today!

In the past weeks I have had two interactions that have left me thinking about this: both came as a person asking me for help. Just in a moment when my thoughts and prayers were directed towards an invisible God, asking for help. I’ll begin with an event that happened last night as I was leaving the hospital.

Dear, sweet Angela is in hospital, taking care of her unborn baby. She has a high risk pregnancy that requires her to spend her last month in hospital. Since she and my son Dan never included babies in their 10 year relationship, she has no medical insurance, which means she is one of the few white faces lying with a swollen belly in a “state hospital”. I visited her there last night, some hours after my arrival back in South Africa. I was not sure what to expect – would the beds have sheets? Are the toilets clean? I have only ever been inside a “private hospital” in South Africa – symbol I guess, of my privileged relationship with this country of my birth. I was gently surprised to see her well and happy. She devoured the yogurt smoothie I brought, and heartily ate the organic food I tucked out of my basket. She praised the doctors and care and the sweetness of the other women she has met in her ward. Not a word of complaint, other than a comment on the in-edibility of the food and the fact that she is awakened at 4am to be asked if she slept a good night. The security guard kicked me and the handful of other visitors out at 8pm sharp, my car would be searched, Angela warned me, on my drive out to make sure I had not nicked a computer or two.

But the real event of the evening happened as I left the hospital building and unlocked my car sitting alone in a dark parking lot. I used my remote control from about 20 feet from the car and it set the lights on briefly as it is wont to do – this time, frightening an old man as he walked past the dark car with no driver in it, that suddenly flashed it’s lights at him. I saw him jump and left my prayers for Angela and the baby to laugh at him. “it’s not magic, it’s only me unlocking my car” I called out to him. We smiled at each other and I climbed into my car, returning to my prayers for help for Angie and her baby. Then I heard him banging on my car window and I did what I would not normally do, at night, in South Africa, in a dark parking lot, with a dark-skinned man at my car window.
I opened it.

I noticed he was of Indian descent, with a muslim hat on his head. “Please madam” he said in a voice, softened by chanting. “I have been here all day with my wife. Our daughter’s child is sick. We came from a long way away to be here. And the difficult thing is, we left in such a hurry we did not bring food with us and have not eaten all day. It’s hard for me to ask you, I am not a beggar, but do you have any kindness to give me to buy food with?” Of course I did. We exchanged blessings and greetings, from both Allah and God. “You are a Muslim” I said, “I am Jewish. This is where we nourish world peace, in our prayers for the health of the children.”  I  drove off feeling blessed by his presence and our exchange.  His dignity and courage to ask for help.  And yes, my car was well searched and found to be empty of stolen goods!

The second event I will tell you about tomorrow. It’s 3am my time and jet lag demands I leave the keyboard and return to my warm and comfy bed. Oh Angie darling, I hope you are tucked in on that lumpy pillow i noticed,  and that your sweet baby is not kicking you in the ribs as her father did to me…

I have often written of Dr. Hew Len and the story of how he healed a ward of criminally psychotic patients by working on himself.  How he advocates cleaning out the old memories we carry around in our system, that hold a mortgage on our souls.  Last week Kristin Flood and I were redesigning (for the hundredth time), our upcoming week of silence in the Italian monastery (check out my website for details of these retreats if you are interested to know more: merlelevin.com)   We came upon a new meditation that has just been posted on U tube by Dr. Hew Len and I include it with my love and high recommendation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq2Gh0VG_Oo

One of the sessions in our creative writing workshops is called: “create new habits”.  In essence, there is not much use in using precious life energy to undo the old bad habits we have accumulated. Rather use the energy to create new ones – but this time, ones that serve you, body mind and spirit.  To do this, we go for the things that give you a strong feeling of Yes!

OK I know the next question, I can feel it rumbling in. How do we know what serves us?  Chocolate gives a Yes! . Procrastinating gives a big fat Greek Yes!

OK so here’s the rub…the more honest you get with yourself, the more you feel the true Yes!and how it rings, how it strengthens and inspires.  Who cares if it’s chocolate or chips or an afternoon nap…there are at least a thousand other Yes!  moments in the day to work on.  And the research shows that every strong Yes! moment generates new brain cells.  How’s that for the new economy?  If you’re still reading, I’ll share a Yes! with you

I love to do the laundry.  This morning I got up at 6 and washed all my curtains.  I got a big fat Jewish Yes! out of it. Why? I ask myself, is this more exciting than exercising my hips to death?  I think it’s something about throwing in a load of soiled and getting back a load of clean.  It does my soul good.  It reinforces Dr. Hew Len’s theories about cleaning out the old memories. That load of old, soiled data that runs our lives; that puts a big fat American mortgage on our souls.  So the point of sharing this with you, on this beautiful full-moon, Cape Town morning, is that I am going to think “clean” today.  Every time an old tape starts tapping, I’m gonna throw it in the washer with a big fat South African Yes! Clean it out with a new idea, a new question, a new set of eyes.  Byron Katie gives freely and generously on her website of her wisdom.  I love this new economy that gives generously. My spiritual teacher Uranda said: Let love radiate without concern for results.  BK says, when you have a strong, recurring tape running –  ask yourself  “Is this true?  Is this really true?”  I would add: ask yourself, does this give me a Yes!  If not, do I need it in my life? Can I use this to create a new habit, a few new brain cells?  Am I adding to the woes of the world or am I part of a new economy that is not burdened by a big fat European debt.  Each time I hear the news, I’m gonna clean clean clean.  I don’t want that debt in my system.  I don’t want that message bogging me down.  I’m gonna throw it in the washer and turn myself to the multitude of Yes! to be focused on.  Not forever…just for today.  And maybe tomorrow…and well, for as long as I need new brain cells.

1. Be attentive of yourself, be conscious every moment about what you think, feel, desire, and do.
2. Always finish what you’ve started.
3. Do what you’re doing your best.
4. Do not keep doing anything that may harm you eventually.
5. Develop your generosity without any witnesses.
6. Treat every person as if they were close relatives.
7. Organize whatever you’ve disorganized.
8. Learn to receive. Be grateful for every gift.
9. Cease to define yourself.
10. Do not lie nor steal, if you do you steal and lie to yourself.
11. Help people without making them dependent of you.
12. Do not wish to be imitated.
13. Make plans for work and stick to them.
14. Do not take up too much space.
15. Do not make unnecessary noises or gestures.
16. Develop faith in you.
17. Do not let yourself be intimidated by strong personalities.
18. Do not try to own anything or anyone.
19. Share equally.
20. Do not seduce.
21. Eat and sleep strictly what is necessary.
22. Do not speak about your personal troubles.
23. Do not make judgments or criticisms when you’re unaware of most of the facts.
24. Do not establish unnecessary friendships.
25. Do not follow trends.
26. Do not sell yourself.
27. Respect the contracts that you’ve signed.
28. Be punctual.
29. Do not envy the success of anyone else.
30. Speak only what’s necessary.
31. Do not think about the economical benefits that your work might bring you.
32. Never threaten.
33. Keep your promises.
34. In a discussion, put yourself in the position of the others.
35. Admit that someone exceeds you.
36. Do not eliminate, but transform.
37. Defeat your fears, each of them is a desire that is camouflaged.
38. Help others to help themselves.
39. Defeat your antipathies and approach the people you wish to reject.
40. Do not act in reaction to what they say good or bad about you.
41. Turn your pride into dignity.
42. Turn your rage into creativity.
43. Turn your greed into respect for beauty.
44. Turn your envy into admiration to the value of others.
45. Turn your hate into charity.
46. Do not praise or insult yourself.
47. Treat what is not yours like it belonged to you.
48. Do not complain.
49. Develop your imagination.
50. Do not give orders for the pleasure of being obeyed.
51. Pay the services that you’re given.
52. Do not make propaganda of your work and ideas.
53. Do not try to arouse emotions in others towards you such as piety, admiration, sympathy, and complicity.
54. Do not try to distinguish yourself by your appearance.
55. Do not accumulate debts. Gather money and pay right away.
56. If you offend anyone, ask for forgiveness.
57. If you offend publicly, ask for forgiveness publicly.
58. If you’ve said something wrong, do not push it out of pride and quit your intentions.
59. Do not defend your old ideas simply because it was you who enunciated them.
60. Do not keep useless objects.
61. Do not adorn yourself with ideas of others.
62. Be your own judge.
63. Never define yourself by what you possess.
64. Never talk about yourself without giving yourself the possibility to change.
65. Accept that nothing and no one is yours.
66. When asked your opinion about someone, speak only about his qualities.
67. When you get sick, instead of hating the disease consider it your master.
68. Do not forget your dead, but give them a limited place to prevent them from invading your life.
69. In the place where you live, always consecrate a sacred place.
70. When you make a service, do not highlight your efforts.
71. If you decide to work for others, do it with pleasure.
72. If in doubt between doing and not doing, always do. If you do at least you’ll have the experience.
73. Do not try to be everything in your partner, admit that he/she can seek in others what you cannot offer.
74. Live from money earned by yourself.
75. Do not get involved in love affairs.
76. Do not flatter yourself of your weaknesses.
77. Do not visit someone just to kill time.
78. Earn to share.
79. If you are meditating and a devil comes, put that devil to meditate.

It wasn’t until I reached the bathroom sink to wash my hands that I realized the formula behind the friendliness pouring in my direction on this special day. It actually is able to be bottled! I had forgotten to take out the 4 rollers in my hair I had hurriedly stuck in before leaving my flat.